After seconds of strenuous, in-depth reporting. ***Wunter Under Meijer*** Can exclusively reveal the Real issue on the lips of everyone at Old Trafford this summer......
.....Where have all the prawns gone????.
A source close to ***Wunter** Tried to explain the situation. "Its simpler than Rio" He said " Them horrible Spainards have nicked all our prawns!!!"
After seconds of probing(A dig in the ribs) Our source continued " As everyone knows, a trip to Old Trafford includes a seafood dinner of prawns a la butty. It what our local, loyal fans from Surrey enjoy the most. However those horrible scouser's have recruited a number of Spainish fisherman who have used E.U rules to take our quota's. We've complained to FISHA about it, but they say the Spainards have done no wrong!!!"
The undercover journalist, tries to look sympathetic as the source continues.
" It's just not fair, we'd never tap up an organisation to get what we want. Its got to the point where our Queer ass has left the club to go to Portugal, he claims its because they have some top sardine's. But The boss reckons there just small fry. The long and short of it is, we may have to return to a menu of burger's and hot dog's. We have pleaded with them horible scouser's to play ball, but they won't."
Our source then slopes off looking slightly dejected as his new girlfriend Marie-Rose comes to meet him.
***Wunter Under Mejier*** Over the heads of many
Wednesday, July 9, 2008
***Guest Writer: TalksRubbish*** O'Neill Ventures Into The Marketing World.
Martin O'Neill announced today that he is to branch out in the world of business. He is of course not the first within sport to do this, George Foreman endorses a ranger of cookers, Ronaldo models for his lingerie line and tennis stars the Williams brothers have their very own fashion chain.
Martin, however, seems to believe that there is a gap in the cooking utensils market. Pans are to be the main focus of his range with particluar focus on the specially developed teflon covering on them. Teflon Martin is to be the name, Mr O'Neill informs Phil McNulty as he sits disturbingly close to the effervescent Irishman. He explains that this is a special kind of teflon that can be applied to everyday life. "I often use it when negotiating transfers, no matter how unreasonable I am I come out smelling of roses!". It does seem like fantastic stuff and McNulty is all too keen on writing his next review on it.
One stumbling block does appear to be the price of the equipment, with the Teflon Martin range 20% more expensive than rivals of comparable quality. There was an auction held and they didnt sell as well as expect, with one problem being when a bidder met the asking price the asking price was hiked up by a further 15%. Martin leapt to the defense of the marketting by saying "This is how its done isnt it? All my supporters seems to think this is ok." Phil nodded in agreement adding "Yes sir, Mr O'Neill Sir, perfectly fair sir".
It is rumoured that O'Neill, depending on the success of this, is looking to back the GB swimming team with his teflon swimwear. He was quoted "If they can slip through the water as easily as I can slip through tricky press interviews saying whatever I like and getting away with it they wont even need swimming lessons to win gold." The range is expected to be out in August
Martin, however, seems to believe that there is a gap in the cooking utensils market. Pans are to be the main focus of his range with particluar focus on the specially developed teflon covering on them. Teflon Martin is to be the name, Mr O'Neill informs Phil McNulty as he sits disturbingly close to the effervescent Irishman. He explains that this is a special kind of teflon that can be applied to everyday life. "I often use it when negotiating transfers, no matter how unreasonable I am I come out smelling of roses!". It does seem like fantastic stuff and McNulty is all too keen on writing his next review on it.
One stumbling block does appear to be the price of the equipment, with the Teflon Martin range 20% more expensive than rivals of comparable quality. There was an auction held and they didnt sell as well as expect, with one problem being when a bidder met the asking price the asking price was hiked up by a further 15%. Martin leapt to the defense of the marketting by saying "This is how its done isnt it? All my supporters seems to think this is ok." Phil nodded in agreement adding "Yes sir, Mr O'Neill Sir, perfectly fair sir".
It is rumoured that O'Neill, depending on the success of this, is looking to back the GB swimming team with his teflon swimwear. He was quoted "If they can slip through the water as easily as I can slip through tricky press interviews saying whatever I like and getting away with it they wont even need swimming lessons to win gold." The range is expected to be out in August
Tuesday, July 8, 2008
Wunter Shocker!!! O'Shea To Barcelona...
John O'Shea has shocked Manchester United by admitting to respected German newspaper Wunter Under Meijer that his head has been turned by interest from Barcelona. The Catalan club's need for a new turnstile has been well-publicised in recent weeks, and coach Josep Guardiola has revealed that O'Shea's price tag of £2.77 and a packet of Doritos has proved tempting.
''One of our turnstiles has unforunately been retired due to rust and we need something that will only turn in a clockwise direction and takes 15 seconds to complete a full circle. One of my scouts said he was aware of an object called John O'Shea, who fit the bill perfectly. Turnstiles are expensive these days and £2.77 + a bag of Doritos is a price we're willing to pay.''
This will come as a blow to Sir Alex Ferguson who not only uses O'Shea as one of the corner flags during training sessions, but also gives him the odd game.
Although he was clearly letting United know under no uncertain terms that he'd be interested in the move, O'Shea was still loathe to commit himself either way.
''Of course it's an honour to be linked with a move like this. The Nou Camp is one of the busiest and most historic stadiums in the world so I'd get a lot of action if I was a turnstile there. But let's not forget that I'm currently a corner flag for the current Premiership and Champions League winners, a fact that I'm immensely proud of.
''Wes Brown, Darren Fletcher and Flaggie (United's no. 1 corner flag) are hard guys to shift when they're on form, so I'm keeping my options open''.
Sir Alex Ferguson didn't have much to say, simply grumbling a distracted ''Uuuuhh, issa geck unna wissst, a duss tha surrundsae alla kecka sha, ya knuh?'', when asked to comment on the subject by a Wunter Under Meijer journalist.
''One of our turnstiles has unforunately been retired due to rust and we need something that will only turn in a clockwise direction and takes 15 seconds to complete a full circle. One of my scouts said he was aware of an object called John O'Shea, who fit the bill perfectly. Turnstiles are expensive these days and £2.77 + a bag of Doritos is a price we're willing to pay.''
This will come as a blow to Sir Alex Ferguson who not only uses O'Shea as one of the corner flags during training sessions, but also gives him the odd game.
Although he was clearly letting United know under no uncertain terms that he'd be interested in the move, O'Shea was still loathe to commit himself either way.
''Of course it's an honour to be linked with a move like this. The Nou Camp is one of the busiest and most historic stadiums in the world so I'd get a lot of action if I was a turnstile there. But let's not forget that I'm currently a corner flag for the current Premiership and Champions League winners, a fact that I'm immensely proud of.
''Wes Brown, Darren Fletcher and Flaggie (United's no. 1 corner flag) are hard guys to shift when they're on form, so I'm keeping my options open''.
Sir Alex Ferguson didn't have much to say, simply grumbling a distracted ''Uuuuhh, issa geck unna wissst, a duss tha surrundsae alla kecka sha, ya knuh?'', when asked to comment on the subject by a Wunter Under Meijer journalist.
Monday, July 7, 2008
Wunter Under Meijer Interview Ronaldo
Respected German daily newspaper Wunter Under Meijer have been first with the major scoop again, as they bagged an interview with Cristiano Ronaldo as the Portuguese star holidayed in Spain.
Ronaldo, exhausted after his excellent, domineering, critically acclaimed (Well, Clive Tyldsley-acclaimed anyway) display at the European Championships was in a relaxed mood as he discussed issues such as his impending transfer to Real Madrid, his new grooming product line - including Eau d'Cristiano aftershave (made in Portugal, bottled in Switzerland) and Wax de la Marmite hair gel - and, of course, his new paypacket.
He bristled, however, when Wunter reporter moreinjuredthanowen asked him about the effect his departure would have on United fans.
''They're finding it hard to let go'', explains The Bestest Player Ever In The Whole Wide World™ as he attempts to lick his own chest. ''Some of them have found out where I'm holidaying and they won't leave me alone, always begging me to stay. It'd be easier for all involved if they just let go.''
When Wunter pressed Ronaldo for an example of this harrassment he said nothing, but pulled from his Gucci man-bag a photo of a United fan physically pestering him despite Ronaldo's attempted disguise (he wore sunglasses)...
http://www.moonskaeurope.com/launchpad_pics/laila_prawn_large.jpg
With that, Wunter packed it's bag and headed back to base. We'd seen enough and Ronaldo's right:
Some people just need to let go
Ronaldo, exhausted after his excellent, domineering, critically acclaimed (Well, Clive Tyldsley-acclaimed anyway) display at the European Championships was in a relaxed mood as he discussed issues such as his impending transfer to Real Madrid, his new grooming product line - including Eau d'Cristiano aftershave (made in Portugal, bottled in Switzerland) and Wax de la Marmite hair gel - and, of course, his new paypacket.
He bristled, however, when Wunter reporter moreinjuredthanowen asked him about the effect his departure would have on United fans.
''They're finding it hard to let go'', explains The Bestest Player Ever In The Whole Wide World™ as he attempts to lick his own chest. ''Some of them have found out where I'm holidaying and they won't leave me alone, always begging me to stay. It'd be easier for all involved if they just let go.''
When Wunter pressed Ronaldo for an example of this harrassment he said nothing, but pulled from his Gucci man-bag a photo of a United fan physically pestering him despite Ronaldo's attempted disguise (he wore sunglasses)...
http://www.moonskaeurope.com/launchpad_pics/laila_prawn_large.jpg
With that, Wunter packed it's bag and headed back to base. We'd seen enough and Ronaldo's right:
Some people just need to let go
Who Says All Footballers Are Selfish?
Frank Lampard has won the admiration of thousands after it has been revealed that he's been head of his own charity since he first broke into the West Ham team.
It's emerged that Wayne Rooney and Carlos Tevez are also ''heavily'' involved in Lampard's charity, Frank Against Treatment Bias And Social Tension Aggrivating Rural Distress.
Tevez had this to say: ''Of course I'm delighted to be a member of the F.A.T.B.A.S.T.A.R.D. charity, but you should really congratulate Frank and Wayne. I've only been a F.A.T.B.A.S.T.A.R.D. since I joined United, Wayne's been one for years and Frank literally wrote the book''
It's emerged that Wayne Rooney and Carlos Tevez are also ''heavily'' involved in Lampard's charity, Frank Against Treatment Bias And Social Tension Aggrivating Rural Distress.
Tevez had this to say: ''Of course I'm delighted to be a member of the F.A.T.B.A.S.T.A.R.D. charity, but you should really congratulate Frank and Wayne. I've only been a F.A.T.B.A.S.T.A.R.D. since I joined United, Wayne's been one for years and Frank literally wrote the book''
Torres Speaks to Wunter Under Meijer
Fernando Torres has spoken for the first time to respected German daily newspaper Wunter Under Meijer about how he didn’t think his Liverpool career would be as happy as it has turned out.
Torres explains that he quickly became disillusioned by post-match remarks by Rafa Benitez that he found ‘’bizarre’’.
‘’It was a bit strange alright. After the Chelsea game at Anfield, Rafa was praising my goal. It all sounded nice until he seemed to imply that I was using stimulants to enhance my game. The journalist asked Rafa if he thought I would cut it in the Premiership and Rafa said ‘For sure, Fernando brings a lot to the team because he has Koala Tea and if we play with high tempo, the right mentality and create chances he will score goals, for sure’. I wasn’t happy with his implications that I would take any stimulants or steal from a Koala bear but I bit my tongue.’’
But the perceived accusations from Benitez kept coming though, and Torres was getting more and more uncomfortable with it. ‘’I’d score another hat-trick and straight away Rafa would be in the media, saying things like I score because of my Koala Tea. Eventually though, I asked Xabi Alonso about it, and he told me that when Rafa says you have Koala Tea he doesn’t mean it as an insult but as a compliment. I still to this day don’t know what Koala Tea has to do with football, but Rafa sure does talk about it a lot.’’
Torres explains that he quickly became disillusioned by post-match remarks by Rafa Benitez that he found ‘’bizarre’’.
‘’It was a bit strange alright. After the Chelsea game at Anfield, Rafa was praising my goal. It all sounded nice until he seemed to imply that I was using stimulants to enhance my game. The journalist asked Rafa if he thought I would cut it in the Premiership and Rafa said ‘For sure, Fernando brings a lot to the team because he has Koala Tea and if we play with high tempo, the right mentality and create chances he will score goals, for sure’. I wasn’t happy with his implications that I would take any stimulants or steal from a Koala bear but I bit my tongue.’’
But the perceived accusations from Benitez kept coming though, and Torres was getting more and more uncomfortable with it. ‘’I’d score another hat-trick and straight away Rafa would be in the media, saying things like I score because of my Koala Tea. Eventually though, I asked Xabi Alonso about it, and he told me that when Rafa says you have Koala Tea he doesn’t mean it as an insult but as a compliment. I still to this day don’t know what Koala Tea has to do with football, but Rafa sure does talk about it a lot.’’
Midlands Inquiry
Respected German daily newspaper Wunter Under Meijer today reports that police in the Midlands are investigating a strange incident in Birmingham.
A woman, aged 43, and a young man aged 22, were injured after a bizarre incident near Villa Park, when a large rattle and dummy fell from the sky with the rattle striking the man and the dummy striking the woman.
Reports from eyewitnesses say that the objects flew out of Villa Park.
Police say they are following a definite line of inquiry. ''We have a lead. We think Martin O'Neill has been throwing his toys out of the pram again. It's not the first time we've had reports of him doing this'', says Detective Superintendant Hooklynand Sinker.
O'Neill was unavailable for comment, with sources close to him saying that it was bed time, but it's believed that Mr O'Neill's demeanour that day had been described by people at Villa as ''cranky''.
A woman, aged 43, and a young man aged 22, were injured after a bizarre incident near Villa Park, when a large rattle and dummy fell from the sky with the rattle striking the man and the dummy striking the woman.
Reports from eyewitnesses say that the objects flew out of Villa Park.
Police say they are following a definite line of inquiry. ''We have a lead. We think Martin O'Neill has been throwing his toys out of the pram again. It's not the first time we've had reports of him doing this'', says Detective Superintendant Hooklynand Sinker.
O'Neill was unavailable for comment, with sources close to him saying that it was bed time, but it's believed that Mr O'Neill's demeanour that day had been described by people at Villa as ''cranky''.
A Compelling Tale Of Enduring Friendship
Respected German daily newspaper Wunter Under Meijer today focused on an almost forgotten part of football: The fans. In an age where TV has taken over and fans find themselves marginalised, Wunter takes the time to hear the compelling - and at times, heartbreaking - story of Brian and Christian, two Manchester United fans...
''Well we were coming to the end of a disappointing season (04/05) where Chelsea finished as Champions'', says Christian, who is 53. ''However, my world just fell apart when Brian walked into the pub in a Chelsea shirt. He tried to make me understand, tried to tell me I should support Chelsea as they were the next big thing but I couldn't... I mean I've supported United all my life, since 1992.''
Brian continued to try and build bridges with Christian but the betrayal was too much for Christian to bear. They hadn't spoken for fully two years until the end of the 06/07 season, when there was a knock on Christian's door. His wife answered and came into the kitchen, where Christian was reading about United's recapture of the Prem title in a copy of the Knosuj Place times, sister publication of Wunter. ''It's Brian...'' she said.
''Not interested, get rid of him'', came Christian's reply.
''I really think you should see him'', pleaded Christian's wife.
Reluctantly, Christian got up and went out to the door. His face lit up, however, and his heart soared when he caught glimpse of his old mate in his United jersey and scarf, clutching the '99 Treble commemorative DVD.
''It's me, mate, it's Brian'', beamed his old friend, ''I'm a prawn again Christian!''
And they lived happily ever after.
Wunter: We don't discriminate, we illuminate
''Well we were coming to the end of a disappointing season (04/05) where Chelsea finished as Champions'', says Christian, who is 53. ''However, my world just fell apart when Brian walked into the pub in a Chelsea shirt. He tried to make me understand, tried to tell me I should support Chelsea as they were the next big thing but I couldn't... I mean I've supported United all my life, since 1992.''
Brian continued to try and build bridges with Christian but the betrayal was too much for Christian to bear. They hadn't spoken for fully two years until the end of the 06/07 season, when there was a knock on Christian's door. His wife answered and came into the kitchen, where Christian was reading about United's recapture of the Prem title in a copy of the Knosuj Place times, sister publication of Wunter. ''It's Brian...'' she said.
''Not interested, get rid of him'', came Christian's reply.
''I really think you should see him'', pleaded Christian's wife.
Reluctantly, Christian got up and went out to the door. His face lit up, however, and his heart soared when he caught glimpse of his old mate in his United jersey and scarf, clutching the '99 Treble commemorative DVD.
''It's me, mate, it's Brian'', beamed his old friend, ''I'm a prawn again Christian!''
And they lived happily ever after.
Wunter: We don't discriminate, we illuminate
Big Phil reveals Abramovich plea
''Big Phil'' Scolari has revealed a desperate plea to bring attractive football to Stamford Bridge from Chelsea owner Roman Abramovich, reports respected German daily Newspaper Wunter Under Meijer.
Despite an illustrious history which includes a staggering 3 league titles, 4 FA cups, 4 league cups, numerous friendly victories and a win on a bingo scratchcard, Chelsea's style of play has left some of the fans - not to mention the owner - disillusioned.
In fact, in a recent poll conducted by Wunter Under Meijer, a worrying 73% of Chelsea fans said that they would seriously consider going back to supporting Manchester United if both results and style of play didn't improve.
Chelsea have recently taken to the tactic of having Frank Lampard belt the ball as hard as he can at Didier Drogba, in the hope of causing a deflection of the ball past the keeper. However, this has resulted in numerous conflicts; Drogba wants to leave The Bridge because getting the ball kicked at his legs so often is causing serious damage to his face, as evidenced by the 677 times he was stretchered off the field last season with his hands over his face. Also, the Dubious Goals panel has gone on stike, saying they're sick of deciding whether the deflected goals should be awarded to Lampard or to Drogba.
Chelsea have also attained special dispensation from the FA in recent seasons which allows John Terry to act as a second goalkeeper; a situation which has seen their skipper run Pepè Reina close for the Golden Glove award for 3 years with a string of fine saves.
But Scolari has vowed to put an end to these cynical tactics and knows that Abramovich will be watching his every move. ''I have come here to play good football. The Chelsea fans deserve massive credit for sticking with the team though this period, we could have had no complaints if they'd dug their United shirts out from the back of their closets.
''Abramovich has made it perfectly clear that he wants to see good football. He put his arm around me and he say 'Phil, I have confidence in you and I will give you the money you need to buy exciting players, but you must understand that you are under pressure.' He know I am a good manager. He also tell me about the poor football Mourinho and Grant play. He say he ask those two men for exciting football, for movement and tricks everywhere, like in a circus.
''He is disappointed because on the field he ask the previous managers for a cunning array of stunts, but all he get is a stunning array of cun...''
Wunter Under Meijer - The truth must be out there, because it certainly isn't in here.
Despite an illustrious history which includes a staggering 3 league titles, 4 FA cups, 4 league cups, numerous friendly victories and a win on a bingo scratchcard, Chelsea's style of play has left some of the fans - not to mention the owner - disillusioned.
In fact, in a recent poll conducted by Wunter Under Meijer, a worrying 73% of Chelsea fans said that they would seriously consider going back to supporting Manchester United if both results and style of play didn't improve.
Chelsea have recently taken to the tactic of having Frank Lampard belt the ball as hard as he can at Didier Drogba, in the hope of causing a deflection of the ball past the keeper. However, this has resulted in numerous conflicts; Drogba wants to leave The Bridge because getting the ball kicked at his legs so often is causing serious damage to his face, as evidenced by the 677 times he was stretchered off the field last season with his hands over his face. Also, the Dubious Goals panel has gone on stike, saying they're sick of deciding whether the deflected goals should be awarded to Lampard or to Drogba.
Chelsea have also attained special dispensation from the FA in recent seasons which allows John Terry to act as a second goalkeeper; a situation which has seen their skipper run Pepè Reina close for the Golden Glove award for 3 years with a string of fine saves.
But Scolari has vowed to put an end to these cynical tactics and knows that Abramovich will be watching his every move. ''I have come here to play good football. The Chelsea fans deserve massive credit for sticking with the team though this period, we could have had no complaints if they'd dug their United shirts out from the back of their closets.
''Abramovich has made it perfectly clear that he wants to see good football. He put his arm around me and he say 'Phil, I have confidence in you and I will give you the money you need to buy exciting players, but you must understand that you are under pressure.' He know I am a good manager. He also tell me about the poor football Mourinho and Grant play. He say he ask those two men for exciting football, for movement and tricks everywhere, like in a circus.
''He is disappointed because on the field he ask the previous managers for a cunning array of stunts, but all he get is a stunning array of cun...''
Wunter Under Meijer - The truth must be out there, because it certainly isn't in here.
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