***Guest Writer: TalksRubbish*** O'Neill Ventures Into The Marketing World.

Martin O'Neill announced today that he is to branch out in the world of business. He is of course not the first within sport to do this, George Foreman endorses a ranger of cookers, Ronaldo models for his lingerie line and tennis stars the Williams brothers have their very own fashion chain.


Martin, however, seems to believe that there is a gap in the cooking utensils market. Pans are to be the main focus of his range with particluar focus on the specially developed teflon covering on them. Teflon Martin is to be the name, Mr O'Neill informs Phil McNulty as he sits disturbingly close to the effervescent Irishman. He explains that this is a special kind of teflon that can be applied to everyday life. "I often use it when negotiating transfers, no matter how unreasonable I am I come out smelling of roses!". It does seem like fantastic stuff and McNulty is all too keen on writing his next review on it.


One stumbling block does appear to be the price of the equipment, with the Teflon Martin range 20% more expensive than rivals of comparable quality. There was an auction held and they didnt sell as well as expect, with one problem being when a bidder met the asking price the asking price was hiked up by a further 15%. Martin leapt to the defense of the marketting by saying "This is how its done isnt it? All my supporters seems to think this is ok." Phil nodded in agreement adding "Yes sir, Mr O'Neill Sir, perfectly fair sir".


It is rumoured that O'Neill, depending on the success of this, is looking to back the GB swimming team with his teflon swimwear. He was quoted "If they can slip through the water as easily as I can slip through tricky press interviews saying whatever I like and getting away with it they wont even need swimming lessons to win gold." The range is expected to be out in August

Wunter Shocker!!! O'Shea To Barcelona...

John O'Shea has shocked Manchester United by admitting to respected German newspaper Wunter Under Meijer that his head has been turned by interest from Barcelona. The Catalan club's need for a new turnstile has been well-publicised in recent weeks, and coach Josep Guardiola has revealed that O'Shea's price tag of £2.77 and a packet of Doritos has proved tempting.

''One of our turnstiles has unforunately been retired due to rust and we need something that will only turn in a clockwise direction and takes 15 seconds to complete a full circle. One of my scouts said he was aware of an object called John O'Shea, who fit the bill perfectly. Turnstiles are expensive these days and £2.77 + a bag of Doritos is a price we're willing to pay.''

This will come as a blow to Sir Alex Ferguson who not only uses O'Shea as one of the corner flags during training sessions, but also gives him the odd game.

Although he was clearly letting United know under no uncertain terms that he'd be interested in the move, O'Shea was still loathe to commit himself either way.

''Of course it's an honour to be linked with a move like this. The Nou Camp is one of the busiest and most historic stadiums in the world so I'd get a lot of action if I was a turnstile there. But let's not forget that I'm currently a corner flag for the current Premiership and Champions League winners, a fact that I'm immensely proud of.

''Wes Brown, Darren Fletcher and Flaggie (United's no. 1 corner flag) are hard guys to shift when they're on form, so I'm keeping my options open''.

Sir Alex Ferguson didn't have much to say, simply grumbling a distracted ''Uuuuhh, issa geck unna wissst, a duss tha surrundsae alla kecka sha, ya knuh?'', when asked to comment on the subject by a Wunter Under Meijer journalist.