Rafa Benitez has revealed the main reason for his side's excellent start to the season - and bizarrely it seems to have more to do with a variety of drinks than his new signings... At least that's as far as us simple folk at Wunter Under Meijer can make out.
''Of course we expected such an improvement'', muses Rafa when Wunter ask him if he was surprised by the start his team had made. ''When you bring in as much Koala Tea as we did in the summer, you expect to have better play, better results and a better league position.''
The conversation took an even more bizarre twist when Rafa was asked why he had spent so much money on the likes of Robbie Keane if all he needed was Koala Tea. ''I felt that the squad needed better Men Tally Tea, so Robbie brought that, for sure. He showed at Spurs and with Ireland that he has the right Men Tally Tea - not so strong that he gets into trouble, but not so weak that he can't influence the game. For sure, it's easy to see that Robbie's Men Tally Tea has improved the sqwad, no?''
Getting more and more baffled as this conversation goes on (and also remembering Fernando Torres being similarly confused by Rafa mentioning his Koala Tea when we interviewed him last season), we try to change the topic and ask him about how Albert Riera is adapting to life in the cut and thrust of the Premiership.
''Albert is getting along fine. Obviously, he is a player who gives us many Posha Billy Teas because he is versatile, he likes to run at the full-back, he can defend and he can cross and shoot. He didn't bring these Posha Billy Teas to Man City because maybe their manager didn't give him enough Liber Teas on the field. But for sure, if you give Albert Liber Teas, he will give you many Posha Billy Teas in return when he plays, no?''
Absolutely astounded by how much an obscure collection of teas can have on a team's start to a season, Wunter can take no more and sign off with one last question: Can Liverpool mount a serious challenge this season?
The affable Benitez shrugs, smiles and offers us one last philosophical nugget: ''Maybe it's to early to say, no? Certainly, beating United and Chelsea so early has given us Op Or Tuna Teas, but we must stay focused an take one game at a time. We must treat each opponant with respect, because in football there are no For Mala Teas - you must fight, utilise the Koala Tea and Posha Billy Teas your players give you and combine them to make Op Or Tuna Teas for yourself to get points, for sure.''
Err... Thanks, Rafa...
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Wednesday, October 29, 2008
Lescott Denies Dressing Room Clown Rumours
Wunter Under Meijer can exclusively reveal that Everton defender Joleon Lescott has fallen out with manager David Moyes over rumours that the Everton manager believes Lescott's dressing room antics are largely responsible for Everton's deplorable start to the season.
Certain downmarket rags had printed stories quoting Moyes as telling close sources that Lescott's constant skullduggery and penchant for pranks were dampening morale and distracting the squad's focus. Club captain Phil Neville has already moved publicly to deny rumours of a rift between the manager and the full-back, saying ''Well, er, like... Joleon's like, a jovial lad, like, you know? Maybe a bit too jovial, like, for my taste... I mean there was, like, you know, that time he turned the tongue of my boots upwards, like... That was a bit too intense for me, like, you know? I prefer the tongue downwards, like, you know? But no, it wouldn't like, affect his relationship with the manager, like, you know? That's a bit, you know, off the mark there, like.''
However, Moyes and Lescott had a blazing row in the dressing room before their match against Manchester United on the weekend, with Lescott taking strong exception to Moyes' implication that he was more interested in joking round than in the task at hand. Our reporter got a short clip of the conversation in which Lescott tells Moyes under no uncertain terms that he is not responsible for the prank culture and joviality that has plagued the Everton dressing room:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=c_MKN_KwIhg
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Certain downmarket rags had printed stories quoting Moyes as telling close sources that Lescott's constant skullduggery and penchant for pranks were dampening morale and distracting the squad's focus. Club captain Phil Neville has already moved publicly to deny rumours of a rift between the manager and the full-back, saying ''Well, er, like... Joleon's like, a jovial lad, like, you know? Maybe a bit too jovial, like, for my taste... I mean there was, like, you know, that time he turned the tongue of my boots upwards, like... That was a bit too intense for me, like, you know? I prefer the tongue downwards, like, you know? But no, it wouldn't like, affect his relationship with the manager, like, you know? That's a bit, you know, off the mark there, like.''
However, Moyes and Lescott had a blazing row in the dressing room before their match against Manchester United on the weekend, with Lescott taking strong exception to Moyes' implication that he was more interested in joking round than in the task at hand. Our reporter got a short clip of the conversation in which Lescott tells Moyes under no uncertain terms that he is not responsible for the prank culture and joviality that has plagued the Everton dressing room:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=c_MKN_KwIhg
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Thursday, September 18, 2008
Manchester United Fury At Nike
Wunter Under Meijer can report that Manchester United are considering taking legal action against Nike after their 2-1 defeat at Anfield.
Manchester United had apparently been promised some innovative design augments to their shorts, however when the players took to the field they were wearing their standard apparel.
That wasn't the worst news for Alex Ferguson's men though; to make matters worse, some Liverpool players took to the field with the design augments that United had been promised; Adidas had fitted Javier Mascherano's shorts with a giant pocket in which he was able to keep almost the entire Manchester United midfield for large portions of the match. Debutant Albert Riera was also sporting a pocket into which he placed Wes Brown for the entire time he was on the pitch, with Jamie Carragher achieving similar success with Dimitar Berbatov in his pocket.
The most spectacular shorts, however, were handed to Fabio Aurelio, who sported a large kangaroo-like pouch on the front of his shorts into which he just about squeezed the sizeable Wayne Rooney.
''I have to admit that I wasn't very mobile; Wayne's a heavy player to carry around all match. However, I had a few packets of Pork Scratchings with me and I just threw a few morsels into the pouch whenever Wayne got restless. We actually formed quite a bond in the time we spent together.''
They weren't the only ones; there were reports that the Liverpool sqaud had to stage an intervention after Xabi Alonso managed to sneak Paul Scholes out of the stadium after the match. A number of players accompanied Rafa Benitez to the Spanish midfielder's house, eventually persuading Alonso to free a tired and cranky Scholes from his pocket.
Neither United or Nike were willing to comment on the issue, although Sir Alex Ferguson has told close associates that he wants action taken.
''Issa furgle wanna fesh un a salla disgrace jurrfta hellash graggle a wuz da hargle pusha, [hic], unna dreggle asha dooo. Ya Knoooooow?'', said Ferguson to our insider.
More on this story as it breaks.
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Manchester United had apparently been promised some innovative design augments to their shorts, however when the players took to the field they were wearing their standard apparel.
That wasn't the worst news for Alex Ferguson's men though; to make matters worse, some Liverpool players took to the field with the design augments that United had been promised; Adidas had fitted Javier Mascherano's shorts with a giant pocket in which he was able to keep almost the entire Manchester United midfield for large portions of the match. Debutant Albert Riera was also sporting a pocket into which he placed Wes Brown for the entire time he was on the pitch, with Jamie Carragher achieving similar success with Dimitar Berbatov in his pocket.
The most spectacular shorts, however, were handed to Fabio Aurelio, who sported a large kangaroo-like pouch on the front of his shorts into which he just about squeezed the sizeable Wayne Rooney.
''I have to admit that I wasn't very mobile; Wayne's a heavy player to carry around all match. However, I had a few packets of Pork Scratchings with me and I just threw a few morsels into the pouch whenever Wayne got restless. We actually formed quite a bond in the time we spent together.''
They weren't the only ones; there were reports that the Liverpool sqaud had to stage an intervention after Xabi Alonso managed to sneak Paul Scholes out of the stadium after the match. A number of players accompanied Rafa Benitez to the Spanish midfielder's house, eventually persuading Alonso to free a tired and cranky Scholes from his pocket.
Neither United or Nike were willing to comment on the issue, although Sir Alex Ferguson has told close associates that he wants action taken.
''Issa furgle wanna fesh un a salla disgrace jurrfta hellash graggle a wuz da hargle pusha, [hic], unna dreggle asha dooo. Ya Knoooooow?'', said Ferguson to our insider.
More on this story as it breaks.
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Tuesday, September 16, 2008
Nani Implicated In Manchester Gang Sensation
Police in Manchester have spoken of their shock at the revelation that Manchester United winger Nani has been the ringleader of a gang of ruffians that have terrorized the area for the past year, reports Wunter Under Meijer.
The gang have been making life for Manchester residents tough with their intimidating presence, particularly at night. Reports suggest that they have cost local seafood restaurants thousands of pounds in lost earnings, as many prawn-loving locals opted to stay at home rather than venture out and risk bumping into the Portuguese winger and his cohorts.
''I was walking past the gang as the sun set one evening and you wouldn't believe the sudden metamorphasis in their behaviour when it got dark; they became very intimidating'', said one terrified old lady.
The player was only identified and apprehended after a young man took this photograph of the mysterious gang before fleeing and handing his camera into Manchester police:
The gang have been making life for Manchester residents tough with their intimidating presence, particularly at night. Reports suggest that they have cost local seafood restaurants thousands of pounds in lost earnings, as many prawn-loving locals opted to stay at home rather than venture out and risk bumping into the Portuguese winger and his cohorts.
''I was walking past the gang as the sun set one evening and you wouldn't believe the sudden metamorphasis in their behaviour when it got dark; they became very intimidating'', said one terrified old lady.
The player was only identified and apprehended after a young man took this photograph of the mysterious gang before fleeing and handing his camera into Manchester police:
Scholes In Hot Water With FA
The FA have confirmed that they are launching an investigation into a Paul Scholes tackle that will probably lead to the midfield maestro receiving a lengthly ban, reports respected German newspaper Wunter Under Meijer
Scholes, who is synonymous with the phrase ''poor tackle'', seems to have gone a step too far this time, with even his manager Sir Alex Ferguson - a man renowned for defending his players over contentious issues such as diving (Ronaldo), shocking hair (Ronaldo) and invisible jerseys - reluctant to leap to his defence.
''Well, issa prettay [hiccup] shockin tackle, aye'', mumbled Ferguson. ''I don't think the lad Scholesy's meant any harm, bu issa terrible tackle and he's gottae remember that there's kids watchin on TV.''
After seeing the tackle, several opposition players were in obvious distress - and one unnamed player has even needed counselling saying: ''Nobody should have to see a career-threatening tackle like that''.
Wunter Under Meijer has a picture of the tackle, but people of a queasy disposition are discouraged from viewing it, as are children:
The investigation into this disgusting tackle continues...
Scholes, who is synonymous with the phrase ''poor tackle'', seems to have gone a step too far this time, with even his manager Sir Alex Ferguson - a man renowned for defending his players over contentious issues such as diving (Ronaldo), shocking hair (Ronaldo) and invisible jerseys - reluctant to leap to his defence.
''Well, issa prettay [hiccup] shockin tackle, aye'', mumbled Ferguson. ''I don't think the lad Scholesy's meant any harm, bu issa terrible tackle and he's gottae remember that there's kids watchin on TV.''
After seeing the tackle, several opposition players were in obvious distress - and one unnamed player has even needed counselling saying: ''Nobody should have to see a career-threatening tackle like that''.
Wunter Under Meijer has a picture of the tackle, but people of a queasy disposition are discouraged from viewing it, as are children:
The investigation into this disgusting tackle continues...
Wednesday, July 9, 2008
***Guest Writer: Molby*** Man United Prawn Problem
After seconds of strenuous, in-depth reporting. ***Wunter Under Meijer*** Can exclusively reveal the Real issue on the lips of everyone at Old Trafford this summer......
.....Where have all the prawns gone????.
A source close to ***Wunter** Tried to explain the situation. "Its simpler than Rio" He said " Them horrible Spainards have nicked all our prawns!!!"
After seconds of probing(A dig in the ribs) Our source continued " As everyone knows, a trip to Old Trafford includes a seafood dinner of prawns a la butty. It what our local, loyal fans from Surrey enjoy the most. However those horrible scouser's have recruited a number of Spainish fisherman who have used E.U rules to take our quota's. We've complained to FISHA about it, but they say the Spainards have done no wrong!!!"
The undercover journalist, tries to look sympathetic as the source continues.
" It's just not fair, we'd never tap up an organisation to get what we want. Its got to the point where our Queer ass has left the club to go to Portugal, he claims its because they have some top sardine's. But The boss reckons there just small fry. The long and short of it is, we may have to return to a menu of burger's and hot dog's. We have pleaded with them horible scouser's to play ball, but they won't."
Our source then slopes off looking slightly dejected as his new girlfriend Marie-Rose comes to meet him.
***Wunter Under Mejier*** Over the heads of many
.....Where have all the prawns gone????.
A source close to ***Wunter** Tried to explain the situation. "Its simpler than Rio" He said " Them horrible Spainards have nicked all our prawns!!!"
After seconds of probing(A dig in the ribs) Our source continued " As everyone knows, a trip to Old Trafford includes a seafood dinner of prawns a la butty. It what our local, loyal fans from Surrey enjoy the most. However those horrible scouser's have recruited a number of Spainish fisherman who have used E.U rules to take our quota's. We've complained to FISHA about it, but they say the Spainards have done no wrong!!!"
The undercover journalist, tries to look sympathetic as the source continues.
" It's just not fair, we'd never tap up an organisation to get what we want. Its got to the point where our Queer ass has left the club to go to Portugal, he claims its because they have some top sardine's. But The boss reckons there just small fry. The long and short of it is, we may have to return to a menu of burger's and hot dog's. We have pleaded with them horible scouser's to play ball, but they won't."
Our source then slopes off looking slightly dejected as his new girlfriend Marie-Rose comes to meet him.
***Wunter Under Mejier*** Over the heads of many
***Guest Writer: TalksRubbish*** O'Neill Ventures Into The Marketing World.
Martin O'Neill announced today that he is to branch out in the world of business. He is of course not the first within sport to do this, George Foreman endorses a ranger of cookers, Ronaldo models for his lingerie line and tennis stars the Williams brothers have their very own fashion chain.
Martin, however, seems to believe that there is a gap in the cooking utensils market. Pans are to be the main focus of his range with particluar focus on the specially developed teflon covering on them. Teflon Martin is to be the name, Mr O'Neill informs Phil McNulty as he sits disturbingly close to the effervescent Irishman. He explains that this is a special kind of teflon that can be applied to everyday life. "I often use it when negotiating transfers, no matter how unreasonable I am I come out smelling of roses!". It does seem like fantastic stuff and McNulty is all too keen on writing his next review on it.
One stumbling block does appear to be the price of the equipment, with the Teflon Martin range 20% more expensive than rivals of comparable quality. There was an auction held and they didnt sell as well as expect, with one problem being when a bidder met the asking price the asking price was hiked up by a further 15%. Martin leapt to the defense of the marketting by saying "This is how its done isnt it? All my supporters seems to think this is ok." Phil nodded in agreement adding "Yes sir, Mr O'Neill Sir, perfectly fair sir".
It is rumoured that O'Neill, depending on the success of this, is looking to back the GB swimming team with his teflon swimwear. He was quoted "If they can slip through the water as easily as I can slip through tricky press interviews saying whatever I like and getting away with it they wont even need swimming lessons to win gold." The range is expected to be out in August
Martin, however, seems to believe that there is a gap in the cooking utensils market. Pans are to be the main focus of his range with particluar focus on the specially developed teflon covering on them. Teflon Martin is to be the name, Mr O'Neill informs Phil McNulty as he sits disturbingly close to the effervescent Irishman. He explains that this is a special kind of teflon that can be applied to everyday life. "I often use it when negotiating transfers, no matter how unreasonable I am I come out smelling of roses!". It does seem like fantastic stuff and McNulty is all too keen on writing his next review on it.
One stumbling block does appear to be the price of the equipment, with the Teflon Martin range 20% more expensive than rivals of comparable quality. There was an auction held and they didnt sell as well as expect, with one problem being when a bidder met the asking price the asking price was hiked up by a further 15%. Martin leapt to the defense of the marketting by saying "This is how its done isnt it? All my supporters seems to think this is ok." Phil nodded in agreement adding "Yes sir, Mr O'Neill Sir, perfectly fair sir".
It is rumoured that O'Neill, depending on the success of this, is looking to back the GB swimming team with his teflon swimwear. He was quoted "If they can slip through the water as easily as I can slip through tricky press interviews saying whatever I like and getting away with it they wont even need swimming lessons to win gold." The range is expected to be out in August
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